Independence and accepting help: Jo’s perspective on support

Independence is such a loaded topic. It is something I have written about before and no doubt will again. In most people there is a drive to be as independent as possible. It is rarely a good feeling to be dependent on others. I have not always had a disability and over time it is getting worse. Every time I lose a bit more function I have to work to find ways to overcome the barriers and remain as independent as possible. The drive to remain independent is massive. However it is impossible to be completely independent. It is easy to forget though that everyone depends on someone else in one way or another, some just more than others and in different ways – even carers.

What is it though that makes dependency on others such a negative? Why is it that needing help from others is often translated to feeling burdensome or annoying yet when asked to help someone else one often feels privileged to be able to assist? (Well this is my experience anyway). Knowing this doesn’t seem to diminish the tendency to feel like a burden when in the position of needing the help.

Currently there is a television ad campaign running about careers in caring professions. It focuses on the fact that jobs and roles based on caring are incredibly rewarding and enriching. The ads are in my view quite beautiful and highlight a factor that we often look past – the rewards of caring for others. This is a really great message not only for enticing people to consider a career in a care profession but also for people like myself who forget that on the most part, caring for someone is not a burden but a privilege.

The decision to begin getting professional carers coming into the home to help is often a really tough one. For many it takes reaching a crisis point before accepting help beyond immediate family. The person I depend most on is my Mum and I know for a fact that burden is not a word that she would ever use but it did get to a point where my needs began to be more than we could manage between the two of us. In my head this equaled “I am such a burden. I am too much for mum. What if she starts to resent me?” and for Mum it was “I’m failing to fulfill my role as the carer”. The fact is though that this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Being overloaded with caring responsibilities can be stressful and lead to burn out. For many this feeling of needing to manage everything within the family can be damaging because it is what leads to negativity and stress for the primary carer AND the person being cared for. Sometimes accepting professional help can be the best option  Sometimes pushing for too much independence, whether the carer or the care recipient, can be a negative. It just seems counter intuitive to look at independence as a negative because it is so highly prized and strived for in our society but there is more to life than complete independence.

Sometimes maybe it’s ok to settle for a happy middle ground. A HEALTHY middle ground. A REALISTIC middle ground.

It is good to have a strong drive for independence and for achieving in life. It is just not so good when independence becomes prized more highly than personal well being or relationships. It is so important to remember that caring for others either personally or professionally is quite often a very rewarding task. Feelings of burden, stress, and resentment usually only rear their ugly head when someone is overloaded and not receiving enough help themselves.

Independence is not a concept that only applies to someone with a disability or frailty. It applies to everyone – including carers. We are fortunate to live in a country that has resources such as home care and home nursing and there is no shame or failure in utilising such help. In fact accessing this kind of help can save relationships, ease strain on individuals and their families, and at the same time it can enrich not only your own life but also those who get the privilege of getting to care for you and know you. Maybe as a society we need to shift the emphasis on independence and take away the connotations of burdensomeness associated with dependence on others for both care recipients AND carers.