Love and disability: relationships without assumptions
Valentine's Day: Love and Disability
By Tristram Peters · Originally published 14 February 2023
Choose what support belongs in your dating life
You can decide whether to date, what to share about disability and who to involve. If practical assistance would help, describe the task without giving a worker access to private conversations you want to keep to yourself. Agree how transport, communication or personal assistance will work around your plans.
For online dating, use eSafety information to consider privacy and unwanted contact. Commission rights standards include autonomy, privacy and intimacy. A media example can start a conversation without setting a model for your relationship.
Original article and dated context
Tristram Peters is Head of Participant Engagement at Clickability, helping participants find and connect with service providers. He also co-hosts the Grow Bold with Disability and What Are You Staring At? podcasts.
Happy Valentine’s Day! We know that the day can be a bit cringe, with many arguing it’s nothing more than a genius ploy by Hallmark to get us buying overpriced cards. But I’m ignoring the cynicism this year and celebrating love. Why not get overly sentimental? It’s healthy!
The truth is that disability and love have a complicated history. Shane Burcaw, who has Spinal Muscular Atrophy like me, wrote a book that explored the reality that people more often assume his partner is his nurse or carer. Simply, society doesn’t always view disability and love as being compatible. I figure it’s time we changed this.
So, rather than penning a love letter exposing myself as an eligible bachelor (as a friend suggested), I’ll be sharing some resources that help reduce the stigma and can get society headed in the right direction. Warning: sentiment abounds.
Love On The Spectrum & Better Date Than Never
Most of us will have heard of Love On The Spectrum, the Netflix series that follows a group of autistic people on a series of first dates. The show led to genuine dating success (spoiler: there’s a wedding in the second season), thanks in large part to how well it respectfully portrays love and dating for its participants.
The creators of the show have since released a new series, Better Date Than Never, which eschews its predecessor’s focus on autism. With only some participants having a disability, the show deftly normalises love and disability; yes, it’s all about love and nothing else matters. As I’ve said in the podcast, there’s a power in people with disability being in media without mention of their disability.
I could list many more shows in this space, but these two bite-size series are fun, respectful, and tap into our emotions far quicker than anything else being streamed. Best yet, Better Date Than Never is currently being streamed for free on ABC iview!
Squirmy & Grubs
I mentioned Shane Burcaw in the intro, but he and his partner, Hannah, have a brilliant YouTube series that pokes fun at the assumptions that many people have about their relationship, and love and disability more generally. They tackle any insensitivity with good humour, debunking numerous stereotypes along the way.
One episode sees Shane waging an online war with an individual who believes the relationship is a scam, and that Hannah is only in it for the money. With a series of back-and-forth messages, Shane is able to quickly unravel the anonymous poster’s argument. (But not before Shane jokingly confesses that Hannah is just his dad wearing an elaborate skin suit.)
Shane and Hannah refer to their relationship as ‘interabled’, but the real power of their videos is in how normal their relationship is.
What Are You Staring At?
I couldn’t write this post without also mentioning my podcast with Belle and our episode on Dating and Disability. We talk about when we’re comfortable enough to begin talking about our disabilities in a relationship (sometimes straight out of the gate with hilarious Tinder bios) and the awkwardness of having to ask a first date to cut up food.
The moral of the story is that, much like Squirmy and Grubs, love and disability is indeed compatible, and people need to be more accepting. After all, we’re hilarious! You can listen to the full episode here:
This Valentine’s Day
I could dust off my application to be on the Bachelor, but my declaration of love didn’t work last time I did it on breakfast television. (Yes, this genuinely happened.) Instead, I’ll be quietly celebrating love this year, as we get one step closer to normalising love and disability, so that we no longer need to even mention them in tandem.
Clickability editorial update: October 2026
Support the plan without taking over the relationship
Ask what assistance the person wants and what they want to do privately. Do not assume that a companion is a paid carer, or that the person needs you to speak for them. Agree practical arrangements and boundaries before an outing.
If a concern arises, discuss it respectfully and follow the relevant support process. Protect confidentiality and avoid gossip or judgement about the person’s choices. Your role is to support agreed tasks and informed decisions, not to approve whether someone should date.
Questions readers ask
Does a partner’s involvement mean they are a carer?
No. Do not infer the nature of a relationship from disability.
Are the streaming recommendations current listings?
No. They belong to the original February 2023 article.
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