Disability, intimacy and the conversations we avoid
The birds and the bees forgot me
By Anonymous contributor · Originally published 20 April 2016
Original article
Approaching my mid 30s, and having never had a serious girlfriend since high school or having ever kissed a woman who wasn’t family, I realised that it was a real possibility that I might die a virgin.
Why was I a virgin? I can give you my bullshit answers like I was shy, I was reluctant to go out to meet people, I was maybe considered unattractive to people, because of my disability; but the real reason was that I was afraid of rejection and I still am. If you don’t put yourself out there, then you don’t get hurt and that is the way I liked it. I wanted to experience sex, but I didn’t want to be rejected because of who I was.
Sex was never much discussed in my house growing up, I really don’t know what my family’s thoughts were in regards to me having a sex life at any point in my life. But who really wants to talk about that with their family anyway?
My carers were from a different generation, where sex was something private and not openly discussed; they left it up to my friends or the school’s sex-ed class to fill in any questions I may have had.
The opportunity to seek out sex workers came by happenstance. I had recently been given the opportunity to move into supported living accommodation and one of my new carers politely asked me, during one of our more philosophical chats, if I was still a virgin and if it was something that I ever thought about. Being a red-blooded male who thinks about sex every two seconds, my immediate answer was yes, but I was not sure how to go about it. We had a chat and my carer’s words of encouragement spurred me on to go home and start googling the issue and making enquiries.
Within a month, I had booked my first escort, someone who was accustomed to seeing disabled clients and had done for many years. That is the reason why I chose her. My first booking with her was nerve racking. I was wheeling into a situation that I did not know if I was either ready or prepared for mentally.
Would I have chosen to go down this pathway if I had had a partner before? No, I don’t know if I would have. I am like everyone else and the main thing I have always wanted is a relationship with a loving partner. I have learnt that emotional attachment is definitely something that you shouldn’t look for with sex workers.
But what can you learn from my experience? Sex is a tricky topic for everyone in the disabled community. Find a trusted friend, family member, carer or even your GP, who will be understanding of your position and will be comfortable discussing this with you: a part of your life that you may have been unwilling or shy to address. There are also plenty of resources and people online who are in similar places in their lives, going through similar issues as you.
We deserve to have the same experiences as everyone else in the world and if you have to pay for those experiences, that’s at least a starting path on your journey. There is nothing wrong or shameful in seeking out this part of yourself, no matter what anyone in your life or in the media may say.
[Clickability update, October 2026:
The author describes a personal choice, not an NDIS-funded pathway. Current NDIA support rules exclude sexual services and sex work. Legal requirements differ by jurisdiction and should be checked separately.
]
As for my time with the sex workers, they have been mostly positive since I started about one year ago. Having a disability did not turn them off from making a booking with me. They see it as a way to offer a service to a largely ignored section of society. It’s not the answer to all my problems, but I’m only human.
The author of this article wishes to remain anonymous.
Clickability editorial update: October 2026
Choose whom you trust with a personal question
You can seek accessible information without agreeing to disclose private details to every worker or family member. Ask a suitable health professional about concerns, and decide what assistance you want with an appointment or information. A wish for a relationship, sex or neither is yours to express.
The contributor’s route need not be yours. Privacy and consent apply to conversations and practical assistance as well as intimate activity. Do not treat payment as a promise of emotional connection or an old account as current legal guidance.
Respect the question without crossing the professional boundary
Respond without ridicule or pressure. Clarify your role, support access to suitable information if requested and seek appropriate supervision when needed. Do not provide sexual contact or assume consent from disability, vulnerability or past conversations. The NDIS Code of Conduct sets relevant expectations about rights and preventing sexual misconduct.
Questions readers ask
Does the account establish NDIS funding for sexual services?
No. Current NDIS support rules exclude sexual services and sex work. Official guidance
Find everyday support with respectful boundaries
Describe the practical disability support you need through Clickability. Compare providers and ask how they protect privacy, obtain consent and keep roles clear.
